our greatest gift: time

i’m big into 11:11

i rarely miss my two opportunities a day to make a wish.

and i’m a little superstitious, so, in the hopes that my past wishes will come true, i’m not going to share what they usually are — at least the good ones.

but recently, the tone of my wishes has changed completely.

i used to wish for sweet and exciting, but also concrete and attainable.

things for myself, my family, and the people around me.

now, i find myself wishing for fewer potholes, less stress and hours in the work week.

i find myself dreaming about new opportunities and challenges where i can learn and grow.

for the first time in my life, i’ve become really unhappy.

and that’s a hard thing to admit, and also to share, because i pride myself on my ability to maintain a positive outlook always, to see the good, to smile and persist…no matter what.

i never thought of myself as the person who would accept bad, unhealthy energy into my life, consistently, and then endure it.

i know that if something’s not good for you, you have to either fix it or get rid of it; the last thing i want to be is the person who holds their breath for the weekend.

and yet, i sit here writing this, already anticipating the stresses that will soon unfold when Monday comes.

for too long, i’ve allowed myself to be consumed by negative energy — to give so much of my time, and myself, to people and things that don’t reciprocate and fill me up.

now, my tank is empty.

“There is never a right time to do a difficult thing.” -John Porter

making a change, no matter how necessary, is hard, uncomfortable, and in many cases, scary.

and i want to be clear — my state of ‘unhappiness’ is by no means a lack of gratitude for all the good in my life, because there’s a lot.

but when you give something so much of your time and energy, it consumes you. and in turn, it becomes the main source of your outlook and emotions. it frames your perspective — the way you see your life and see yourself. and the longer you invite it in, the further beneath the surface it drags you…so far that it can feel like you’ll never be able to get out; like you’re drowning and will never reach the surface again.

“You have to be careful who you give pieces of yourself to, because even a little bit here and there adds up to a hell of a lot eventually, and it’s not worth it, losing yourself to them, giving yourself to people who don’t give a fuck about you. You keep pouring yourself into other people and you’ll just wind up empty.” — J.M. Darhower

one of my biggest fears in life is not spending my time wisely…not doing and pursuing the things i’ve always dreamed of. it’s also losing myself in something, or someone, that, in the big chess board of life, does not matter.

one of my resolutions for this year was to disconnect from devices more. i wanted to guard my energy, grow, and put my focus into what really matters to me (which does not include anything in the virtual world).

yet, in the age of work-from-home, being constantly accessible via phone and computer has become a requirement (or at least it feels that way). these devices have become digital extensions of my being — the chime of an Outlook email has become some pathological form of classical conditioning — i’ve begun believing the world might explode if i don’t respond to that email or that message immediately.

so this is my reminder — to you and myself — to guard your energy and be greedy with your time; to be careful what and who you give yourself to.

it’s ok to take a day off.

it’s ok to not respond to that email right away.

it’s ok to slow down.

it’s ok to speak up.

it’s ok to change your mind.

it’s ok to mess up.

it’s ok to move on.

it’s ok to take a moment to just sit and breathe.

it’s ok to refuse to be a dumping ground for someone else’s toxic waste.

and it’s ok to protect your energy, and put yourself first, no matter how big and disastrous the consequences for doing so seem to be in that moment.

remember — we’re literally floating on a giant rock in the middle of space — i promise you, it does not matter.

what matters is the way you treat people, and the way you treat yourself.

of course it’s important to work hard, but make sure you don’t lose sight of your vision along the way.

make sure you spend time doing what you love, with people you love.

and make sure you take time to check on yourself, and make sure you’re okay.

“The most precious thing you can give someone is your time, Chika, because you can never get it back. When you don’t think about getting it back, you’ve given it in love.” — Mitch Albom, Finding Chika

the bad news is that time flies. the good news is that we’re the pilots. it’s up to us to change course when things are no longer serving us. and it’s up to us to fill up our own tanks and pick a new destination, no matter how far or unfamiliar, when time’s up.

remember — the magic happens outside of our comfort zones, and we are responsible for putting ourselves out there.

and, here’s my final reminder — when it’s 11:11 , don’t forget to make a wish!